20,20
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: Something was off. It was easy for Neji to tell because he was losing a fight. In which Neji needs glasses. If you liked "Two Birds, One Stone", give this one a go. Crack!fic. Oneshot.


So, as you might have guessed, I enjoy writing Neji waaaay too much. I think it stems from the quirky Neji that Link and Luigi featured in their epic-length story _The Naruto Primer_... but in any case, his stoicism in the face of crazy antics makes my day. This one will read kind of like "Two Birds, One Stone", so... yeah. Hope you enjoy.

Nothing's mine.

* * *

**20/20**

Something was off.

It was easy for Neji to tell because he was losing a fight. Now, you may be saying, "How arrogant of him to think that!" but it's not really arrogance if you're right.

In any case, Neji really shouldn't have been losing to Hanabi, but he was. Oh, he was. His face reacquainted itself with the dirt for the fourth time that morning. He slapped his hand on the ground to signal his defeat. Hanabi's weight lifted off of his back, but he himself could hardly summon the strength to stand. Through hazy vision, he saw his uncle approaching, shaking his head disappointedly.

"Neji, you seem to be struggling today. In fact, your skills have only been worsening over the past few months. Is there something wrong?"

"No, Ojisama."

It didn't take the Byakugan to figure out that that was a bald-faced lie. Hiashi shook his head once again, folding his hands into his sleeves. Neji appeared to be just as frustrated and confused as he felt. He'd watched his nephew's progress with grudging pride for the last few years, but now it seemed as if the boy had hit his stride. The beautiful rhythm of the Hyuuga clan's Gentle Fist style had abruptly left him, and now the boy's attacks were mediocre at best. It was disconcerting. "Neji, a warrior knows that if he struggles in his duties, he should seek help. You should be improving, not worsening." The words clearly caused the boy some shame, but Hiashi continued on. "I will take you to visit Ayaka-sensei tomorrow. Perhaps she will be able to remedy your troubles."

"But Ojis —"

"And you will go without complaint."

That was the final word on the subject. Hiashi left to call the doctor, commanding Hanabi to follow, and the pair left him alone outside. Dejected, Neji sat on the porch and tried to collect himself. His vision was still blurred from the fall, and he absently rubbed his eyes. He'd been feeling strange for a while now, but only recently had his fighting begun to suffer. Maybe an examination was for the best.

He could not think that without shuddering. Tomorrow would be a long day.

* * *

Hiashi slid open the door to Doctor Ayaka's office and stepped lightly inside, while Neji dragged his feet in afterwards. He did not like this particular doctor, simply because she had known him since he was a baby. Her rather skewed perception of him led her to believe that Neji was currently five years old, not thirteen. Even worse, because of her advanced age, Neji truly was not able to retaliate without feeling immensely guilty afterwards. He therefore had to force himself each time to be as pleasant as possible.

The receptionist motioned for them to enter the doctor's office. Hiashi led Neji inside the brightly-lit room as the young boy tried his best not to cower. The doctor was in front of him, scribbling notes. When she finally looked up and saw him, her face split into a wrinkled grinned.

"Neji-chan!" she said glowingly.

He grunted, unhappily accustomed to her nickname for him.

"Neji-chan, I'm always so glad when you come to see me!" The doctor hobbled forward and pinched his nose in greeting, her knobby knuckles coarse against his skin. "Let's get you changed, okay?"

"Can I change myself this time?"

She laughed, which meant no.

* * *

"And say 'aa'!"

"Aa…"

She pressed a stick on his tongue and searched around in his mouth. "Nope, all clear!" she cheered. Expertly, she checked his ears with the same exclamation. His eyes, she assured him, were one-of-a-kind.

"Now let's test your reflexes!"

Neji's (apparently very special) eyes widened in horror. "No," he implored, "don't make me, please! Not this time!" But her hands were already extended and waiting, her smile expectant. With a moan, Neji raised his own hands and self-consciously counted out the beat. It was the test he dreaded — a children's clapping game.

"_Arupusu ichiban shaku koyari no ue de  
Arupen odori wo sa odorimasho!"_

Neji went through the motions robotically: clap, cross, clap, cross, clap, both…. The pace was fast, but he was embarrassingly practiced in the routine and had no troubles. The closing of the first verse came, and he tensed. Even in her old age, she was used to checking Hyuuga reflexes.

The next part began with a blur of hand motions. Neji grit his teeth as he sang, partially from concentration and partially from mortification.

"_La lalala la la la  
La lalala la la  
La lalala la la la  
La la la la la la hey_!"

The doctor paused momentarily at the end before applauding him and beaming proudly. Neji thought he might curl up and die.

"It seems that you're physically fit, Neji-chan. Such a big boy!" She tried to tickle him, but he stoically ignored the fingers poking and prodding at his side, fixing her with the most apathetic stare he could muster. Still, the doctor chuckled as if he'd reacted with a squeal of joy. "Would Neji-chan like a lolly?"

"I would not," he said, a little more indignantly than he had meant. "Are we done yet?"

"Neji," his uncle said in a warning voice. The boy clamped his mouth shut, sullenly crossing his arms over his chest.

The doctor noticed none of this. She turned to Hiashi and began to speak in hushed tones of Neji's health. "His condition is very good," she was saying, "but I've noticed something in his eyes. If you'll activate your Byakugan, Hiashi-sama, you will also be able to see…." Both she and his uncle stared at him with bulging eyes, and Neji almost naturally activated his own in defense before he realized it probably wouldn't go over well.

"I understand, now," Hiashi said after a moment. "What should be done?"

"I would recommend Hara-sensei to check. He is not part of the family, but he understands our eyes well."

"Yes, thank you, Ayaka-sensei." Neji knew that his uncle's pronouncement signaled the end of the examination. He leapt off the table as if it were on fire and fled to the reception desk, glad to be free of the doctor's clutches. He glanced at the young woman behind the desk, who wore a self-indulgent smile. "Neji-kun, are you not forgetting something?"

He glanced down and sighed. He had yet to change back into his clothes.

* * *

Dr. Hara was much better than Dr. Ayaka.

For one, Neji didn't even have to worry about undressing (or, rather, being undressed). He also wasn't called Neji-chan. The man was actually quite respectful to him, so Neji tolerated his presence much like he tolerated Sasuke's — with a cold civility, though not much else.

The examination passed quickly and painlessly. The doctor sat in the office chair and faced his desk, scribbling notes in silence for a few minutes. Neji absently swung his legs and watched.

"It's as I suspected," the man said as he replaced his pen. "You have a condition called myopia, which causes your vision to become blurrier as objects get further away. In other words, Neji-san, you are nearsighted. This may be corrected with prescription glasses."

"Are you saying that just because I'm from the Branch House?" Neji said darkly.

"That doesn't even make sense," the doctor pointed out.

Neji continued to glower anyways. After all, he had an image to maintain.

"In any case," continued Dr. Hara warily, eyeing him even as he flipped through the charts, "your prescription must be worn all of the time, except for sleeping and bathing. I'll provide a… case for you to place your glasses in." The man then cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Er, that, uh, brings about a different problem, then. You see, because of your heritage, your vision… well, that is to say —"

Neji's left eye twitched at the man's hemming and hawing. "What about my vision?"

The man sighed. "It's best if I show you, Neji-san." He began to root around in the cabinets, muttering to himself as he searched. Finally, he seemed to find what he was looking for. He glanced at the boy sitting in the examination chair. "You'll have to wear specially-designed glasses. Something like this."

And the good doctor pulled what looked like a fishbowl out of the cabinet.

Neji gawked at it.

The doctor, glancing first at the fishbowl, then at his flabbergasted client, had the good sense to look abashed. "Sorry, but with your particular vision, I'm afraid —"

"No," Neji spluttered. "There is no way I'm ever going to put that on!"

"You won't even feel it after awhile," the doctor said unconvincingly.

"_No_!"

"But it's the only way, Neji-san."

"Then think of a better one!"

At this moment, Hiashi stepped into the room. The doctor hastily stepped towards him, like a child scurrying towards base during a game of tag. "Hiashi-sama," he said urgently, but Hiashi silenced him with a wave of his hand.

"Neji, what is the matter?"

Being both very young and very upset, Neji could only think to express himself in one way. He thrust his finger at the (for lack of a better word) glasses, and he spat, "I'll _kill_ myself before I wear that!"

If Hiashi had pupils, the doctor would have noticed his eye-roll. "Neji, be calm." To Dr. Hara, he said, "Have you not considered contacts?"

"Yes, but they would require a surgery due to the Byakugan's special needs…."

Neji refused to listen after that, as he had begun to stare down the glass globe before him, trying with all of his might to will it away.

* * *

"Neji, what's—ow!" Lee cried as he received a sharp elbow to the ribs. Tenten massaged her arm. That boy was _bony_.

But neither she nor Lee could argue for long, because Neji was approaching, and he looked like a livid space cadet. Tenten had managed to save Lee from running his mouth, but she had to admit, she was curious too.

Neji, on the inside, was dying a slow death. He had had every intention of skipping training for the next few days until his corrective eye surgery, but Hiashi had found him hiding on the roof and physically forced him to come. He had even requested a private meeting with Gai to explain the entire situation to the jounin.

Right about now, Neji wished he had just thrown himself off a cliff and saved his uncle the trouble.

Lee and Tenten were still staring.

"What are you looking at?" he snapped, his voice echoing in the bowl.

Both of them whipped their heads to the side, chorusing "Nothing!"

They sat in that uncomfortable environment for three minutes. Neji knew because he counted every single second that dragged by. He eventually was able to predict when Lee would try to poke the glass, and when Tenten would smack the boy's hand away.

Then Gai appeared before them in a swirl of smoke, causing the three genin to yelp in shock. "Good morning team!" he sang and his teeth sparkled, reflecting off of….

"Do you like it? Isn't it wonderful?" he asked, striking a pose.

Oh HELL no.

_He was wearing a fishbowl too._

Neji's outraged scream echoed throughout Konoha.

* * *

Because Gai totally would. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
